Really Stoopid Questions

1. If I smoke “Lite” cigarettes, will I get cancer “Lite”?

2. If two dogs are identical twins, can other dogs tell them apart? Do their butts smell the same?

3. Why do my guests always use my bathroom to “take” a whiz? Are they out of stock at home? What makes them think I’ve got some to spare?

4. To help create jobs, why don’t we just open a few hundred plants to supply lead to all the Chinese toy makers?

5. Why does my wife always leave the toilet seat down?

6. Many people think George W. Bush probably was the worst president in history, but wasn’t he pretty bad in math, English and social studies, too?
   
   
7. Why do baseball teams always play a zone defense? Why don't they ever play a man-to-man?
   
   
8. If some big snakes only eat once or twice a year, does that mean they only take one or two dumps a year?
   
   
9. How many homes could we power for a year if we liposuctioned all the lard out of our asses and converted it to fuel?
   
   
10. Wile E. Coyote buys all sorts of Acme gadgets in futile attempts to catch the roadrunner. Why doesn't he just buy some Acme FOOD?
    
    
11. If the "A Team" was such an elite military team, how come those fools busted tens of thousands of rounds during the show's run, and NEVER HIT A SINGLE THING?

Trivia You Won't Believe -- Every Trivia Bit Here Is True.

1) Florida is closer to Mexico than it is to Texas.  Think about that.
2) You can go from Canada to California by heading in a northerly direction.  You don't have to go south.
3) You can head east from Florida and end up in Wisconsin.  You don't have to go west.
4) Arakiki, Kiribati averages a high of 82 degrees and a low of 72 degrees each and every day of the year.
5) Saudia Arabia has had fog when the air temperature was 95 degrees.  Sauna, anyone?
6) It can be 1:30 in Oregon and 1:30 in Florida at the same time.  So, what time is it in Kentucky, in Oklahoma, in Colorado?
7) It can be Wednesday one place and Monday somewhere else.  What happened to Tuesday?
8) Actress Hedy Lamarr held patent # 2292387 for signal scrambling technologies widely used today in walkie-talkies, cordless and cellular phones.
 9) A human body generates more heat per pound than the sun.  Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
10) There are more than 2,000 thunderstorms going on right now on earth.
11) Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
12) The Roman Colosseum seated 50,000 spectators, was in active use for events for nearly 500 years, contains designs features found in most modern stadiums, yet has not one single luxury box or corporate suite.
13) The longest word that can be typed using only one row on a typewriter is "typewriter".
14) The strawberry is the only agricultural product that bears its seeds on the outside.
15) Some elephants have remained on their feet for over 40 years straight.
16) If you have 3001 calico cats, odds are only 1 is male and 3000 are female.
17) Pineapples are berries. Each of the 4-sided sections on the skin of the pineapple is the outer part of one berry, or fruitlet.
18) The first fax machine was invented in 1843 by Scottish mechanic Alexander Bain.
19) In the ENTIRE 20th century, the Chicago Cubs won only one playoff series.
20) This is a real word: Twiddlepoop -- It means, "an effeminate man".

Signs You Are A Loser

20) The STD Free Clinic has you on their speed dial.

19) Your high-school class voted you “Most likely to be forgotten.”

18) All your girlfriends turn gay after you break up.

17) Mirrors shatter spontaneously when you enter the room.

16) When your wife tells people about your honeymoon, she keeps referring to “Viagra Falls.”

15) When your wife tells people about your honeymoon, she says, “I think he meant centimeters, not inches.”

14) The card from your co-workers wishes you to “Get well, by a vote of 18 to 17.”

13) Your shrink says. “Screw it. I give up.” Next time you see him is at the drive-thru window.

12) Little old ladies cross the street to the other side when they see you coming. So do kids, dogs, priests and even pro wrestlers.

11) Fourth grade was the best three years of your life.

10) You get Christmas cards from the driver of that short, little yellow school bus.

9) You meet your blind dates at Chuck E Cheese. All your dates are blind, of course. That goes without saying.

8) Your mom demands a blood test to determine maternity. She cries when it comes back positive.

7) The restraining order forbade you from coming within 300’ of your own home--When you were 6 years old.

6) When you were born, your mom’s only words were, “Sorry. My bad.”

5) When you were born, your doctor said, “Call Stephen King NOW!! I got his next movie right here.”

4) Your book, “Dropping the Soap for Dummies” is a big seller in San Francisco and in prisons around the world.

3) The suicide Hot Line tells you to “Jump.”

2) You get complimentary season tickets at “Wussie World” for your lifetime achievements.

And the Number one sign you are a loser:

1) God says, “I’m clueless. I’m just gonna throw a bunch of leftover DNA together and see what happens.”

What A Difference A Century Makes!

Workplace – The "40 - 40" Rule

19^th Century – Do I plow the south 40 or the north 40? 

20^th Century – Work 40 hours a week in a factory for 40 years 

21^st Century – Invent a SmartPhone App & earn $40 billion by age 40

Relationships – “Dating Miss Daisy” 

19^th Century – Took Daisy to a barn dance, courted and wooed her, then asked her father for her hand in marriage. 

20^th Century – Took Daisy to live in a hippie commune, renamed her Sunflower. 

21^st Century – Had Facebook affair with someone he thought was named Daisy, got busted in F.B.I. kiddie-porn sting operation, instead. Sentenced to 20 years.

Justice – “Here Come De Judge” 

19^th Century – Hanging judges in the “Wild West” holding “Neck Tie Parties”. 

20^th Century – Chief Justice Earl Warren – “Separate educational facilities are inherently unequal." 

21^st Century – Jiving, jawing and jabbering judges like Judge Judy, Joe Brown, and Greg Mathislook like refugees from a "Three Stooges Movie."

Presidential Statesmanship – “Say What?” 

19^th Century – Honest Abe Lincoln gave the Emancipation Proclamation. “Four score and seven years ago...” 

20^th Century – Franklin Roosevelt had his Fireside Chats. – “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” 

21^st Century – George W. Bush and his Garbled Grammar – “The noo-cue-ler threatitudinal reductification proves Americans will not be intimidified by terrorosity.”

Exercise – “Dance Fever” 

19^th Century – Dancing upon “request” when a Western gunslinger shoots at the feet of a “dancing victim.” 

20^th Century – Dancing fads like “The Twist” and “The Macarena.” 

21^st Century – CEOs Dancing around the truth – Ken Lay of Enron, Martha Stewart, Bernie Ebbers of WorldCom, the Washington Mutual pirates.

Card Games-“I’ll Hold ’Em, You Fold ‘Em” 

19^th Century – Poker on the riverboat with the gunslingers. 

20^th Century – Poker on Monday nights with the guys. 

21^st Century – Poker on every ^%$*@#$* TV channel, with has-been celebrities and internet wannabes.