Signs You Are A Loser

20) The STD Free Clinic has you on their speed dial.

19) Your high-school class voted you “Most likely to be forgotten.”

18) All your girlfriends turn gay after you break up.

17) Mirrors shatter spontaneously when you enter the room.

16) When your wife tells people about your honeymoon, she keeps referring to “Viagra Falls.”

15) When your wife tells people about your honeymoon, she says, “I think he meant centimeters, not inches.”

14) The card from your co-workers wishes you to “Get well, by a vote of 18 to 17.”

13) Your shrink says. “Screw it. I give up.” Next time you see him is at the drive-thru window.

12) Little old ladies cross the street to the other side when they see you coming. So do kids, dogs, priests and even pro wrestlers.

11) Fourth grade was the best three years of your life.

10) You get Christmas cards from the driver of that short, little yellow school bus.

9) You meet your blind dates at Chuck E Cheese. All your dates are blind, of course. That goes without saying.

8) Your mom demands a blood test to determine maternity. She cries when it comes back positive.

7) The restraining order forbade you from coming within 300’ of your own home--When you were 6 years old.

6) When you were born, your mom’s only words were, “Sorry. My bad.”

5) When you were born, your doctor said, “Call Stephen King NOW!! I got his next movie right here.”

4) Your book, “Dropping the Soap for Dummies” is a big seller in San Francisco and in prisons around the world.

3) The suicide Hot Line tells you to “Jump.”

2) You get complimentary season tickets at “Wussie World” for your lifetime achievements.

And the Number one sign you are a loser:

1) God says, “I’m clueless. I’m just gonna throw a bunch of leftover DNA together and see what happens.”